Q: What the heck is Teh Chum?
A: Teh Chum is a parody of the Friend, an LDS church magazine. I created it when I was about twelve years old, to express some of my frustration with LDS culture in a humorous way.
Q: Are you a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?
A: I was born and raised in the church, but now I am inactive.
Q: Wait, so is this an anti-Mormon blog?
A: While it does poke fun at many aspects of LDS culture, this blog is neither pro- nor anti-Mormon.
Q: What is 4 Teh Chum of Youth?
A: 4 Teh Chum of Youth is a parody of the New Era and the "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet.
Q: I'm not a member of the church, nor was I raised that way, so I don't know anything about LDS culture.
A: Then this blog probably isn't for you. But that's okay. I have another blog you might like where I just post funny stuff that's unrelated to religion.
Teh magazine for primary children who take teh gospel literally.
Sunday, December 9, 2018
LDS Frozen (part five)
Meanwhile, in Alpine, Harold and others were helping the people in the
church, making sure they wouldn't freeze to death. Everyone was thankful
for Harold's act of service. Well, everyone except William.
"Harold," said William. "Are we expected to just sit here and freeze while you give away all this nice stuff?"
"Well, the bishop said--"
"Has it ever dawned on you that the bishop could be conspiring against us?"
"Don't question your church leaders! The bishop will not hesitate to excommunicate you!"
"Excommunication? What the--?"
Just then, a church member spoke up.
"I think Ashlee's in trouble!" she said.
"I'll save her!" volunteered Harold. "I need some people to help me, though."
"I volunteer two men!" said William. Then he spoke quietly to his friends. "Be prepared for anything, and should you encounter Eliza, you are to put an end to this winter."
***
After walking through a snow storm, Ashlee, Christopher, Sam, and Elder Olaf arrived at Eliza's ice castle. Eliza was happy to see them, but when Ashlee invited her to come back to church, she refused.
"I'm just trying to protect you!" she said.
"You don't have to protect me! I'm not afraid! Please don't shut me out again!" pleaded Ashlee. Then she began to sing.
Please don't slam the door
You don't have to keep your distance anymore
'Cause for the first time in forever
I finally understand
For the first time in forever
We can fix this hand in hand
We can go to church together
You don't have to live in fear
'Cause for the first time in forever,
I will be right here
Eliza then began to sing.
Ashlee,
Please go back home, you don't have to search.
Go enjoy your religion and open up the church.
"Yeah, but--" said Ashlee, before being interrupted by Eliza.
I know
You mean well, but leave me be
Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
Just stay away and you'll be safe from me
Actually we're not, Ashlee tried to tell Eliza.
What do you mean you're not? Eliza responded.
I get the feeling you don't know, Ashlee continued.
What do I not know? Eliza demanded the answer.
The church is in deep, deep, deep, deep snow, Ashlee sang.
"What?" Eliza gasped.
You've kind of set off an eternal winter... everywhere," explained Ashlee. "But you can just un-freeze the place, right?"
"No I can't, I don't know how!"
"Sure you can! I know you can!" Ashlee pleaded.
"I CAN'T!" Eliza screamed, accidentally striking Ashlee through her heart with her ice powers.
Christopher ran over to help Ashley.
"Who is this?" asked Eliza. "Are you going to marry him, too? C'mon, the church doesn't do polygamy anymore, and women never had multiple husbands!"
"We're just friends," said Ashlee.
"Never mind, just get away from here." And with that, she created a giant snow monster, who threw Ashlee, Christopher, and Elder Olaf out of the castle.
"Watch out for my butt!" said Elder Olaf.
"IT IS NOT NICE TO THROW PEOPLE!" yelled Ashlee to the snow monster. Despite Christopher's attempts to calm her down, she threw a snowball at the monster. This only angered the monster, who chased them all until they finally came to a cliff. Christopher tied Ashlee to a rope (which was anchored into the snow) so she could get down safely... hopefully.
"Hey! Where'd you guys go?" called Elder Olaf. "We totally lost Marshmallow over here!"
It turned out that Elder Olaf was wrong and that Marshmallow was right behind him.
"Hey!" said Olaf. "We were just talking about you! All good things, all good things!"
When Ashlee, Christopher, Sam, and Elder Olaf tried to go down using the rope, Marshmallow grabbed the rope.
"DON'T COME BAAAAAAAAACK!" growled Marshmallow.
"We won't," said Ashlee. But maybe the missionaries will, she thought to herself before cutting the rope. Then they fell into the snow.
To be continued... Also, I apologize for the lack of pictures here.
"Harold," said William. "Are we expected to just sit here and freeze while you give away all this nice stuff?"
"Well, the bishop said--"
"Has it ever dawned on you that the bishop could be conspiring against us?"
"Don't question your church leaders! The bishop will not hesitate to excommunicate you!"
"Excommunication? What the--?"
Just then, a church member spoke up.
"I think Ashlee's in trouble!" she said.
"I'll save her!" volunteered Harold. "I need some people to help me, though."
"I volunteer two men!" said William. Then he spoke quietly to his friends. "Be prepared for anything, and should you encounter Eliza, you are to put an end to this winter."
***
After walking through a snow storm, Ashlee, Christopher, Sam, and Elder Olaf arrived at Eliza's ice castle. Eliza was happy to see them, but when Ashlee invited her to come back to church, she refused.
"I'm just trying to protect you!" she said.
"You don't have to protect me! I'm not afraid! Please don't shut me out again!" pleaded Ashlee. Then she began to sing.
Please don't slam the door
You don't have to keep your distance anymore
'Cause for the first time in forever
I finally understand
For the first time in forever
We can fix this hand in hand
We can go to church together
You don't have to live in fear
'Cause for the first time in forever,
I will be right here
Eliza then began to sing.
Ashlee,
Please go back home, you don't have to search.
Go enjoy your religion and open up the church.
"Yeah, but--" said Ashlee, before being interrupted by Eliza.
I know
You mean well, but leave me be
Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
Just stay away and you'll be safe from me
Actually we're not, Ashlee tried to tell Eliza.
What do you mean you're not? Eliza responded.
I get the feeling you don't know, Ashlee continued.
What do I not know? Eliza demanded the answer.
The church is in deep, deep, deep, deep snow, Ashlee sang.
"What?" Eliza gasped.
You've kind of set off an eternal winter... everywhere," explained Ashlee. "But you can just un-freeze the place, right?"
"No I can't, I don't know how!"
"Sure you can! I know you can!" Ashlee pleaded.
"I CAN'T!" Eliza screamed, accidentally striking Ashlee through her heart with her ice powers.
Christopher ran over to help Ashley.
"Who is this?" asked Eliza. "Are you going to marry him, too? C'mon, the church doesn't do polygamy anymore, and women never had multiple husbands!"
"We're just friends," said Ashlee.
"Never mind, just get away from here." And with that, she created a giant snow monster, who threw Ashlee, Christopher, and Elder Olaf out of the castle.
"Watch out for my butt!" said Elder Olaf.
"IT IS NOT NICE TO THROW PEOPLE!" yelled Ashlee to the snow monster. Despite Christopher's attempts to calm her down, she threw a snowball at the monster. This only angered the monster, who chased them all until they finally came to a cliff. Christopher tied Ashlee to a rope (which was anchored into the snow) so she could get down safely... hopefully.
"Hey! Where'd you guys go?" called Elder Olaf. "We totally lost Marshmallow over here!"
It turned out that Elder Olaf was wrong and that Marshmallow was right behind him.
"Hey!" said Olaf. "We were just talking about you! All good things, all good things!"
When Ashlee, Christopher, Sam, and Elder Olaf tried to go down using the rope, Marshmallow grabbed the rope.
"DON'T COME BAAAAAAAAACK!" growled Marshmallow.
"We won't," said Ashlee. But maybe the missionaries will, she thought to herself before cutting the rope. Then they fell into the snow.
To be continued... Also, I apologize for the lack of pictures here.
LDS Frozen (part four)
As Ashlee and Christopher were on their journey, they bumped into a snowman.
"I'm Elder Olaf," said the snowman. "And I like to share the gospel."
"Wait," said Ashlee. "Aren't you the snowman that Eliza and I built as kids? Or rather, the snow missionary?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Do you know how to get to the North Mountain?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Do you know where Eliza is?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I'll tell you why," said Christopher. "We need to bring her back to the church."
"Church?" said Olaf. "Oh, I don't know why, but I've always loved the idea of church, and the gospel, and all things spiritual!"
People pray, kids'll brighten up your day,
And I'll be doing whatever snow does
In the church.
A book in my hand, my snow up against the chapel pews.
Prob'ly learning of the good news
In the church.
I'll finally hear that awesome story about Noah's ark and the storm,
And find out what happens to solid water when it gets warm
And I can't wait to be an awesome missionary!
Just imagine how much cooler I'll be
In the church.
Da da, da doo, ah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, boo
The hot and the cold are both so intense
Put 'em together, it just makes sense
Ratdadat, dadadadoo
Outside's a good place if you like getting in trouble.
But put me in the church and I'll be a... happy snowman!
When life gets rough I like to hold onto my dreams
Of relaxing in the summer sun, just letting off steam
Oh, I'll sit in the pew, and you guys'll be there too
When I finally do what frozen things do
In the church!
"I'm gonna tell him that snowmen don't go to church," said Christopher.
"Don't you dare!" said Ashlee. "His eternal salvation could be at stake!"
In the church!
"So come on!" said Elder Olaf. "Let's go to church!"
"Maybe I should have told him that we were also bringing back summer," said Christopher.
"I'm Elder Olaf," said the snowman. "And I like to share the gospel."
"Wait," said Ashlee. "Aren't you the snowman that Eliza and I built as kids? Or rather, the snow missionary?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Do you know how to get to the North Mountain?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Do you know where Eliza is?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I'll tell you why," said Christopher. "We need to bring her back to the church."
"Church?" said Olaf. "Oh, I don't know why, but I've always loved the idea of church, and the gospel, and all things spiritual!"
People pray, kids'll brighten up your day,
And I'll be doing whatever snow does
In the church.
A book in my hand, my snow up against the chapel pews.
Prob'ly learning of the good news
In the church.
I'll finally hear that awesome story about Noah's ark and the storm,
And find out what happens to solid water when it gets warm
And I can't wait to be an awesome missionary!
Just imagine how much cooler I'll be
In the church.
Da da, da doo, ah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, boo
The hot and the cold are both so intense
Put 'em together, it just makes sense
Ratdadat, dadadadoo
Outside's a good place if you like getting in trouble.
But put me in the church and I'll be a... happy snowman!
When life gets rough I like to hold onto my dreams
Of relaxing in the summer sun, just letting off steam
Oh, I'll sit in the pew, and you guys'll be there too
When I finally do what frozen things do
In the church!
"I'm gonna tell him that snowmen don't go to church," said Christopher.
"Don't you dare!" said Ashlee. "His eternal salvation could be at stake!"
In the church!
"So come on!" said Elder Olaf. "Let's go to church!"
"Maybe I should have told him that we were also bringing back summer," said Christopher.
LDS Frozen (part three)
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
Not a footprint to be seen.
A church of isolation,
Where everyone is mean.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!
Don't let them in, don't let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.
Well, now they know!
Let it go, let it go!
Don't give a crap anymore!
Let it go, let it go!
Can't believe that I just swore!
I don't care
What the Mormons say!
Let the storm rage on,
The hate never bothered me anyway!
It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small!
And the rules that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all!
It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through!
No right, no wrong, no rules for me! I'm free!
Let it go, let it go!
I am one with the wind and sky!
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry!
Here I stand,
And here I'll stay!
Let the storm rage on!
I'll never see closed-minded people make a sound!
I'm no longer with these hateful people all around!
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast!
I'm never going back,
The past is in the past!
Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The hate never bothered me anyway!
Meanwhile, Ashlee was driving around in the snow, searching for her
sister, when suddenly, her car broke down. Ashlee was forced to walk in
the snow while wearing a dress.
Finally, she came across a store.
Wandering Orson's Trading Post and Sauna, read the sign.
"Yoo-hoo!" said Orson. "Big summer blowout!"
"You mean like a poopy diaper?" asked Ashlee. She had heard adults use that word when talking about dirty diapers.
"No, I mean like a sale," he said.
"Okay, that makes more sense," said Ashlee. "But for now, I need boots and a jacket."
"That would be in our winter department," said Orson.
There wasn't much in their winter department, but it turned out to be exactly what Ashlee needed, in her exact clothing size. Ashlee was asking Orson if he had seen Eliza, when suddenly, a man named Christopher walked in. He was tall and muscular, and covered in snow. He said he was headed up to North Mountain. Christopher picked up some supplies and was about to buy them until Orson told him how much it cost. They began to argue about the prices. Orson finally told Christopher that it was Sunday, and he threw him out of the store.
"I'm sorry about this violence," he said to Ashlee. "Just the outfit and the boots, yes?"
Ashlee was able to find Christopher in a stable, with his reindeer, Sam (okay, it was really a dog, but Christopher liked to pretend it was a reindeer). She ordered him to take her up the North Mountain.
"I don't take people places," he groaned. Ashlee threw the supplies at him. "Okay, fine."
"So, Ashlee, what made your sister go all ice crazy?" asked Christopher as they were riding in the car.
"I got engaged, and she got mad because I had just met him that day, and..."
"Wait, you got engaged to someone you just met?" he said. "Has he even gone on a mission?"
"I'm pretty sure he has," said Ashlee.
"But what if you don't like the way he picks his nose? And eats it?"
"Excuse me sir, but he's a civilized human being!"
"All men do it."
"Ewww! Well, it doesn't matter! It's true love!"
"Wait," said Christopher. "I think we're in a bad neighborhood. I see some criminals."
They were able to get away from the criminals, but Christopher's car broke down. Ashlee promised to replace his car and all the belongings.
"I understand if you don't want to help me anymore," said Ashlee.
"Of course I don't want to help her anymore," said Christopher. "In fact, I don't think I'll help anyone ever again."
"She'll die on her own!" he said in the voice he assumed hisdog reindeer would use.
"I can live with that."
"But you won't get your new car if she's dead!"
"Sometimes I really don't like you. Hold on! We're coming, Ashlee!"
"You are?" exclaimed Ashlee. "I mean, sure, I'll let you tag along!"
Not a footprint to be seen.
A church of isolation,
Where everyone is mean.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!
Don't let them in, don't let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.
Well, now they know!
Let it go, let it go!
Don't give a crap anymore!
Let it go, let it go!
Can't believe that I just swore!
I don't care
What the Mormons say!
Let the storm rage on,
The hate never bothered me anyway!
It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small!
And the rules that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all!
It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through!
No right, no wrong, no rules for me! I'm free!
Let it go, let it go!
I am one with the wind and sky!
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry!
Here I stand,
And here I'll stay!
Let the storm rage on!
I'll never see closed-minded people make a sound!
I'm no longer with these hateful people all around!
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast!
I'm never going back,
The past is in the past!
Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The hate never bothered me anyway!
Finally, she came across a store.
Wandering Orson's Trading Post and Sauna, read the sign.
"Yoo-hoo!" said Orson. "Big summer blowout!"
"You mean like a poopy diaper?" asked Ashlee. She had heard adults use that word when talking about dirty diapers.
"No, I mean like a sale," he said.
"Okay, that makes more sense," said Ashlee. "But for now, I need boots and a jacket."
"That would be in our winter department," said Orson.
There wasn't much in their winter department, but it turned out to be exactly what Ashlee needed, in her exact clothing size. Ashlee was asking Orson if he had seen Eliza, when suddenly, a man named Christopher walked in. He was tall and muscular, and covered in snow. He said he was headed up to North Mountain. Christopher picked up some supplies and was about to buy them until Orson told him how much it cost. They began to argue about the prices. Orson finally told Christopher that it was Sunday, and he threw him out of the store.
"I'm sorry about this violence," he said to Ashlee. "Just the outfit and the boots, yes?"
Ashlee was able to find Christopher in a stable, with his reindeer, Sam (okay, it was really a dog, but Christopher liked to pretend it was a reindeer). She ordered him to take her up the North Mountain.
"I don't take people places," he groaned. Ashlee threw the supplies at him. "Okay, fine."
"So, Ashlee, what made your sister go all ice crazy?" asked Christopher as they were riding in the car.
"I got engaged, and she got mad because I had just met him that day, and..."
"Wait, you got engaged to someone you just met?" he said. "Has he even gone on a mission?"
"I'm pretty sure he has," said Ashlee.
"But what if you don't like the way he picks his nose? And eats it?"
"Excuse me sir, but he's a civilized human being!"
"All men do it."
"Ewww! Well, it doesn't matter! It's true love!"
"Wait," said Christopher. "I think we're in a bad neighborhood. I see some criminals."
They were able to get away from the criminals, but Christopher's car broke down. Ashlee promised to replace his car and all the belongings.
"I understand if you don't want to help me anymore," said Ashlee.
"Of course I don't want to help her anymore," said Christopher. "In fact, I don't think I'll help anyone ever again."
"She'll die on her own!" he said in the voice he assumed his
"I can live with that."
"But you won't get your new car if she's dead!"
"Sometimes I really don't like you. Hold on! We're coming, Ashlee!"
"You are?" exclaimed Ashlee. "I mean, sure, I'll let you tag along!"
LDS Frozen (part two)
Three years later, Ashlee was finally able to convince Eliza to go to a
YSA dance with her and her friends. Although Ashlee had still gone to
church all those years, she had been isolated for a long time because
the gates were closed.
Ashlee had bought a beautiful modest green dress to wear to the dance, and was extremely excited for it because, hey, she could actually be with PEOPLE!
[Ashlee] The window is open, so's that door
I didn't know they did that anymore
Who knew we'd ever get another chance
To actually do something that was fun?
Why were my parents' rules so dumb?
Finally we're going to a dance!
There'll be actual real live people
It'll be totally strange
But wow, am I so ready for this change!
'Cause for the first time in forever
There'll be music, there'll be light
For the first time in forever
I'll be dancing through the night
There will be lots of people
But not just in our ward!
'Cause for the first time in forever
I will not be bored.
I can't wait to meet everyone! [gasp]
What if I meet... the one?
Tonight imagine me at the dance
Dreaming that I'll find romance.
I'll look like I am staring into space!
Ooh! I suddenly see him standing there
A beautiful stranger, tall and fair
I wanna stuff some chocolate in my face
But then we laugh and talk all evening,
Which is totally bizarre
Nothing like the life I've led so far
For the first time in forever
There'll be magic, there'll be fun
For the first time in forever
I could be noticed by someone
And I know it is totally crazy
To dream I'd find romance
But for the first time in forever
At least I've got a chance
Meanwhile, Eliza was in her room, nervous about making a mistake.
[Eliza:] Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, put on a show
Make one wrong move and everyone will know
[Eliza:] But it's only for today
[Ashlee:] It's only for today
[Eliza:] It's agony to wait
[Ashlee:] It's agony to wait
[Eliza:] Tell the guards to open up the gate
[Ashlee:] The gate
[Ashlee:] For the first time in forever
[Eliza:] Don't let them in, don't let them see
[Ashlee:] I'm getting what I'm dreaming of
[Eliza:] Be the good girl you always have to be
[Ashlee:] A chance to meet some awesome people!
[Eliza:] Conceal
[Ashlee:] A chance to find true love
[Eliza:] Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
[Ashlee:] I know it all ends tomorrow,
So it has to be today
'Cause for the first time in forever
For the first time in forever
Nothing's in my way!
Ashlee was prancing around outside, singing, when suddenly, she ran into a guy on his bicycle and fell on the ground.
"Hey!" she yelled.
"I'm so sorry!" he apologized. "Are you hurt?"
"Hey," she said in a softer tone, noticing that the guy was extremely good-looking. He was tall and handsome with reddish brown hair and dreamy eyes.
"Oh, I should introduce myself. I'm Harold and I'm visiting from Salt Lake!"
"I'm Ashlee, and I'm from Alpine!"
"Well, this is awkward," she said. "Not that you're awkward, just that we're awkward. I'm awkward; you're gorgeous. Wait, what?"
Suddenly, the alarm on Ashlee's phone went off.
"I've got to go to the YSA dance," said Ashlee. "Bye!"
At the YSA dance, Ashlee and Eliza were socializing when a geeky guy named William asked them to dance.
"Thank you, only I don't dance," said Eliza. Then she pointed to Ashlee. "But my sister does."
While doing crazy dance moves, William asked nosy questions about why the castle gates were shut. You know, because that's totally not weird.
"Are you okay, Ashlee?" Eliza asked after the song was over.
"I've never been better!" said Ashlee. "This is so nice! I wish it could be like this all the time!"
"Me too," said Eliza. "But it can't."
"Why not?"
"It just can't."
"Excuse me," said Ashlee. She slowly walked through the gymnasium, until suddenly she bumped into Harold.
Harold and Ashlee began to dance. They spent the evening talking.
"So, you have how many brothers?" asked Ashlee.
"Twelve older brothers," answered Harold.
"Wow!" exclaimed Ashlee. "Most LDS people stop after having ten kids!"
"I know! Two of them pretended I was invisible for two years, but I guess that's what brothers do."
"And sisters. Eliza and I used to be really close, but then one day, she just shut me out, and I never knew why."
Harold held Ashlee's hand.
"I would never shut you out," he said.
"Okay, can I just say something crazy?" exclaimed Ashlee.
"I love crazy!"
They began to sing about how much the past sucked and how perfect they were for each other. Then, Harold asked Ashlee to marry him. Of course, Ashlee said yes.
When Ashlee told Eliza the news, Eliza responded coldly.
"You can't marry a man you just met," she said.
"You can if it's true love!" insisted Ashlee.
"Ashlee, you'll be with him for eternity. And what do you know about true love?"
"More than you! All you know is how to shut people out!"
"Ooh, burn!" said some bystanders.
"I'm leaving," said Eliza.
"Eliza, please, I can't live like this anymore! Not for eternity!" pleaded Ashlee.
"Then leave," Eliza said coldly.
"What did I ever do to you? Why do you shut everyone out? What are you so afraid of?"
"I said enough!" shouted Eliza. At that moment, part of the gymnasium turned to ice. Eliza ran off, mortified.
"And all because she wanted to marry me," groaned Harold.
Ashlee tried to follow Eliza, but it was no use. She asked Harold to take care of everyone while she went to look for her sister.
Ashlee had bought a beautiful modest green dress to wear to the dance, and was extremely excited for it because, hey, she could actually be with PEOPLE!
[Ashlee] The window is open, so's that door
I didn't know they did that anymore
Who knew we'd ever get another chance
To actually do something that was fun?
Why were my parents' rules so dumb?
Finally we're going to a dance!
There'll be actual real live people
It'll be totally strange
But wow, am I so ready for this change!
'Cause for the first time in forever
There'll be music, there'll be light
For the first time in forever
I'll be dancing through the night
There will be lots of people
But not just in our ward!
'Cause for the first time in forever
I will not be bored.
I can't wait to meet everyone! [gasp]
What if I meet... the one?
Tonight imagine me at the dance
Dreaming that I'll find romance.
I'll look like I am staring into space!
Ooh! I suddenly see him standing there
A beautiful stranger, tall and fair
I wanna stuff some chocolate in my face
But then we laugh and talk all evening,
Which is totally bizarre
Nothing like the life I've led so far
For the first time in forever
There'll be magic, there'll be fun
For the first time in forever
I could be noticed by someone
And I know it is totally crazy
To dream I'd find romance
But for the first time in forever
At least I've got a chance
Meanwhile, Eliza was in her room, nervous about making a mistake.
[Eliza:] Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, put on a show
Make one wrong move and everyone will know
[Eliza:] But it's only for today
[Ashlee:] It's only for today
[Eliza:] It's agony to wait
[Ashlee:] It's agony to wait
[Eliza:] Tell the guards to open up the gate
[Ashlee:] The gate
[Ashlee:] For the first time in forever
[Eliza:] Don't let them in, don't let them see
[Ashlee:] I'm getting what I'm dreaming of
[Eliza:] Be the good girl you always have to be
[Ashlee:] A chance to meet some awesome people!
[Eliza:] Conceal
[Ashlee:] A chance to find true love
[Eliza:] Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
[Ashlee:] I know it all ends tomorrow,
So it has to be today
'Cause for the first time in forever
For the first time in forever
Nothing's in my way!
Ashlee was prancing around outside, singing, when suddenly, she ran into a guy on his bicycle and fell on the ground.
"Hey!" she yelled.
"I'm so sorry!" he apologized. "Are you hurt?"
"Hey," she said in a softer tone, noticing that the guy was extremely good-looking. He was tall and handsome with reddish brown hair and dreamy eyes.
"Oh, I should introduce myself. I'm Harold and I'm visiting from Salt Lake!"
"I'm Ashlee, and I'm from Alpine!"
"Well, this is awkward," she said. "Not that you're awkward, just that we're awkward. I'm awkward; you're gorgeous. Wait, what?"
Suddenly, the alarm on Ashlee's phone went off.
"I've got to go to the YSA dance," said Ashlee. "Bye!"
At the YSA dance, Ashlee and Eliza were socializing when a geeky guy named William asked them to dance.
"Thank you, only I don't dance," said Eliza. Then she pointed to Ashlee. "But my sister does."
While doing crazy dance moves, William asked nosy questions about why the castle gates were shut. You know, because that's totally not weird.
"Are you okay, Ashlee?" Eliza asked after the song was over.
"I've never been better!" said Ashlee. "This is so nice! I wish it could be like this all the time!"
"Me too," said Eliza. "But it can't."
"Why not?"
"It just can't."
"Excuse me," said Ashlee. She slowly walked through the gymnasium, until suddenly she bumped into Harold.
Harold and Ashlee began to dance. They spent the evening talking.
"So, you have how many brothers?" asked Ashlee.
"Twelve older brothers," answered Harold.
"Wow!" exclaimed Ashlee. "Most LDS people stop after having ten kids!"
"I know! Two of them pretended I was invisible for two years, but I guess that's what brothers do."
"And sisters. Eliza and I used to be really close, but then one day, she just shut me out, and I never knew why."
Harold held Ashlee's hand.
"I would never shut you out," he said.
"Okay, can I just say something crazy?" exclaimed Ashlee.
"I love crazy!"
They began to sing about how much the past sucked and how perfect they were for each other. Then, Harold asked Ashlee to marry him. Of course, Ashlee said yes.
When Ashlee told Eliza the news, Eliza responded coldly.
"You can't marry a man you just met," she said.
"You can if it's true love!" insisted Ashlee.
"Ashlee, you'll be with him for eternity. And what do you know about true love?"
"More than you! All you know is how to shut people out!"
"Ooh, burn!" said some bystanders.
"I'm leaving," said Eliza.
"Eliza, please, I can't live like this anymore! Not for eternity!" pleaded Ashlee.
"Then leave," Eliza said coldly.
"What did I ever do to you? Why do you shut everyone out? What are you so afraid of?"
"I said enough!" shouted Eliza. At that moment, part of the gymnasium turned to ice. Eliza ran off, mortified.
"And all because she wanted to marry me," groaned Harold.
Ashlee tried to follow Eliza, but it was no use. She asked Harold to take care of everyone while she went to look for her sister.
LDS Frozen (part one)
These were originally posted in my other blog, 4 Teh Chum of Youth, but this blog seemed more appropriate, so I'm going to continue the series here.
Also, I didn't type the whole thing 'cause it's too freaking long and most people know what I'm talking about anyway. Hail Satan, I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Once upon a time, there were two sisters named Eliza and Ashlee. And I mean actual sisters, not Sister missionaries or anything like that. They were also really rich and they lived in a castle (they weren't princesses, though; they lived in Alpine, Utah). Anyway, they were very close, and they liked to build snowmen. There was a twist, though: Eliza had magical powers that allowed her to control ice and snow. But then something happened. Eliza and Ashlee were at church in the middle of the night because their parents were doing important things there. They got bored, so Eliza used her magic to make it snow inside the Primary room. They had a lot of fun playing in the snow and building snowmen until Eliza accidentally froze Ashlee's brain.
"Mommy, Daddy!" cried Eliza.
"Eliza, what did you just do?" yelled her father, the king.
"It was an accident," said Eliza.
They went to their home teachers (who were also trolls), who erased Ashlee's memories of magic. The trolls showed Eliza a vision of her being killed by an angry mob, saying "fear will be your enemy."
Eliza and Ashlee's parents then had the most amazing idea (that was sarcastic): they would close the castle gates and lock Eliza in a room until she could control her magic. They isolated her from everyone, including Ashlee, and discouraged Eliza going to church.
Every Sunday, Ashlee would knock on Eliza's door and invite her to Primary.
Do you wanna go to Primary?
Come on let's go and pray
I never see you anymore
Come out the door
It's like you've gone away.
We used to be best buddies
And now we're not
I wish you would tell me why!
Do you wanna go to Primary?
You don't have to be in the program...
"Go away, Ashlee," Eliza always said sadly.
Okay, bye.
This went on for many years. Ashlee got bored, but she continued to remain optimistic.
Do you wanna go to church now?
Or Mutual on Wednesday night?
I think some company is overdue
I've started talking to
Those pictures of the Nephites!
(Hang in there, Captain Moroni!)
It gets a little lonely
All these empty rooms,
Then a terrible thing happened. When Ashlee was a Mia Maid and when Eliza would've just graduated from Young Women's, their parents died in a plane crash.
After going to her parents' funeral, Ashlee knocked on Eliza's door.
Eliza?
Please, I know you're in there,
People are asking where you've been
They say "be loving," and I'm trying to
I'm right out here for you, just let me in
I'm going to get the missionaries.
I promise they're nice.
Maybe they can help you.
Also, I didn't type the whole thing 'cause it's too freaking long and most people know what I'm talking about anyway. Hail Satan, I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Once upon a time, there were two sisters named Eliza and Ashlee. And I mean actual sisters, not Sister missionaries or anything like that. They were also really rich and they lived in a castle (they weren't princesses, though; they lived in Alpine, Utah). Anyway, they were very close, and they liked to build snowmen. There was a twist, though: Eliza had magical powers that allowed her to control ice and snow. But then something happened. Eliza and Ashlee were at church in the middle of the night because their parents were doing important things there. They got bored, so Eliza used her magic to make it snow inside the Primary room. They had a lot of fun playing in the snow and building snowmen until Eliza accidentally froze Ashlee's brain.
"Mommy, Daddy!" cried Eliza.
"Eliza, what did you just do?" yelled her father, the king.
"It was an accident," said Eliza.
They went to their home teachers (who were also trolls), who erased Ashlee's memories of magic. The trolls showed Eliza a vision of her being killed by an angry mob, saying "fear will be your enemy."
Eliza and Ashlee's parents then had the most amazing idea (that was sarcastic): they would close the castle gates and lock Eliza in a room until she could control her magic. They isolated her from everyone, including Ashlee, and discouraged Eliza going to church.
Every Sunday, Ashlee would knock on Eliza's door and invite her to Primary.
Do you wanna go to Primary?
Come on let's go and pray
I never see you anymore
Come out the door
It's like you've gone away.
We used to be best buddies
And now we're not
I wish you would tell me why!
Do you wanna go to Primary?
You don't have to be in the program...
"Go away, Ashlee," Eliza always said sadly.
Okay, bye.
This went on for many years. Ashlee got bored, but she continued to remain optimistic.
Do you wanna go to church now?
Or Mutual on Wednesday night?
I think some company is overdue
I've started talking to
Those pictures of the Nephites!
(Hang in there, Captain Moroni!)
It gets a little lonely
All these empty rooms,
Just watching the hours tick by.
Then a terrible thing happened. When Ashlee was a Mia Maid and when Eliza would've just graduated from Young Women's, their parents died in a plane crash.
After going to her parents' funeral, Ashlee knocked on Eliza's door.
Eliza?
Please, I know you're in there,
People are asking where you've been
They say "be loving," and I'm trying to
I'm right out here for you, just let me in
I'm going to get the missionaries.
I promise they're nice.
Maybe they can help you.
Do you wanna go to church now?
As Ashlee said those words, Eliza was mourning the death of her parents.
Eliza knew her parents would want her to stay in her room where she
couldn't hurt anyone rather than attend their funeral and possibly hurt
someone.
Just saying
There's
a story in this month's Ensign about a
missionary who spent two Christmases in Brazil: one that was miserable,
and another where they handed out suckers. It was called "A Sweet
Christmas," but I came up with a better title: "Last Year, Christmas
Sucked; This Year, Christmas Suckers."
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