Tuesday, April 12, 2011

May 2011: Chums by Mail

Likening Teh Scriptures
Once I burned my house down and we had to stay in tents. I apologized, but it was okay because it was like Nephi and his family in the wilderness.
--Caleb, age 9, Georgia

Me Marrying Teh Chum in teh Temple


--Emily, age 7, Idaho

BYU is teh Epics
I'm going to BYU for college. It's the only good college out there. If you go to any other college you'll go to hell.
--Jordan, age 5, Utah

Multiple Piercings are for Chumps!
My goth friend told me she was going to get her ear cartilage and eyebrow pierced, so I told her that piercings are evil.
--Vicky, 3, California

Friday, April 1, 2011

April 2011: What they DIDN'T talk about during General Conference

Usually, during general conference, I only really pay attention to a few of the talks. What? Sometimes they're boring! Though not all of them are. Just most of them. But anyway, to make sure I would pay attention in General Conference this time, I made a list of random things. Whatever they did talk about (keep in mind, when I say "talk about," what I usually actually mean is "mention it." Also, I didn't get to see all of General Conference, so tell me to delete things on the list of "Things They Didn't Talk About," just in case someone did mention that), I would cross it out. After that, I would look at all the things that weren't crossed out, and there would be my list of things they didn't talk about.

Here are the random things I jotted down:
Temples
Kindness
Honesty
Virtue
Pernogrify (for reference: http://www.myregisblog.com/2008/10/lol-cats-general-conference.html)
Teh Law of Chastity
Eternal Families
Piercings, tattoos, and how HORRIBLE AND EVIL they are
Joseph Smith
The Book Of Mormon
Jesus
Swearing
R-rated movies
Crap music
My Chemical Romance
Corpse Bride
Tokio Hotel
Epicness
The Jonas Brothers' music is crap
Justin Bieber sucks
Ke$ha needs to die
Flippin' stoopid gender roles
Teh priesthood
Twilight
Modesty
Faith
Service
Tithing
Fasting
Missionaries
The Bible
Purity
The Sabbath Day
Ten Commandments
Perfection
Teh sacrament
Prayer
Forgiveness/repentance
How bad teh world is today
Tutus (you know... the prophet always tells us to "avoid those foul tutus." Tutus are highly inappropriate and you must avoid them at all costs. Especially when it's Bill Kaulitz wearing a tutu)
Tithing
Children
Testimony
Obedience

What they did NOT talk about:
Honesty
Virtue
Chastity
Pernogrify
Piercings/tattoos (that really surprised me that they DIDN'T talk about that. Same with pernogrify)
Swearing
R-rated movies
Crap music
Corpse Bride
Tokio Hotel
Epicness
The Jonas Brothers' music is crap
Justin Bieber sucks
Ke$ha needs to die
Twilight
Modesty
The Ten Commandments
Tutus

For those of you who read this post thoroughly and made sure I didn't forget anything, you may be wondering why I didn't mention My Chemical Romance on the list of things they didn't talk about during general conference. I meant to leave it out, because they did talk about MCR (which really surprised me). Still confused? Didn't you pay attention when President Monson (I think) said something about a guy named Gerard?? So he must have been talking about MCR, right?? RIGHT??? If Gerard = Gerard Way, and Gerard Way = Teh lead singer of MCR, then Gerard = Teh lead singer of MCR. So they DID talk about MCR!!!
Just kidding. I'm smart enough to know that just because someone's name is Gerard, that does not mean he's automatically teh lead singer of MCR. But that IS the first thing that pops into my mind when I hear that name, just so you're aware. So if you ever happen to say "Gerard" around me, tell me which Gerard you're talking about, or else I'll be thinking you were talking about Gerard Way and I'll be really confused. Thank you.

Monday, March 28, 2011

April 2011: Choosing Teh Right

Keeping teh Sabbath day holy
One Sunday, my house caught on fire. I was scared, because I wanted to call 911, but I knew I should keep the Sabbath day holy. So I didn't call 911. Luckily, the April 2005 issue of Teh Chum saved me, so I'm not dead. I was glad I kept the Sabbath Day holy.
--Billy, age 7, California

Obeying teh Word Of Wisdom
I was at my friend's birthday party, and someone offered me root beer. I told her no, because I don't drink. I was glad I obeyed the Word of Wisdom.
--Emilee, age 8, Utah

Teh Bat Man Film
Once, my babysitter put on Batman. I knew that show was bad because bats don't wear clothes. I turned it off, and I told my babysitter that if she put it back on, I'd tell my parents not to pay her. I knew I had done the right thing.
--Johnny, age 6, Alabama

Teh Little Mermaid
My my friends and I had a sleepover. My friend's mom put on The Little Mermaid. I said, "no, The Little Mermaid is bad because Ariel only wears a bikini top and doesn't wear pants." She said "okay, how 'bout Camp Rock?" I agreed. I hated the movie while I was watching it, but I knew I had done the right thing.
--Elizabeth, age 10, Canada



Teh Selena Gomez Par-TAY!
My friends wanted me to go over to their Selena Gomez-themed party. I told her no, because on Wizards of Waverly Place, she's mean. I said "how 'bout we change it to a Justin Bieber-themed party?" We all hated the party, but I knew I had done the right thing.
--Jenny, age 10, Nebraska

* No, I actually don't watch Wizards of Waverly Place. One of my friends suggested I should write about it, so I did. I felt good that I chose to listen to my friend.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

April 2011: A Retelling of Cinderella

Once upon a time, there was a sixteen-year-old girl named Cinderella. She loved going to church, and obeyed all the commandments. She dressed modestly, obeyed the Word Of Wisdom, had clean language, and prayed every night. She was always kind to everyone. Her favorite books were Twilight and The Book Of Mormon. Despite being a good person, she was in a not-so-good situation. She lived with her wicked stepmother and ugly stepsisters who made her do all the work. Every day it was the same. "Cinderella, clean my room," "Cinderella, mop the floor," "Cinderella, unclog the toilet," "Cinderella, take that dog for a walk and pick up the dog poop." But she never complained. She loved her stepsisters, and prayed for them.



One day, a letter arrived in the mail. It was an invitation to a church dance, and the bishop's son, who was named Caleb, would be there. Because Cinderella's wicked stepsisters thought the bishop's son was "sooooooooo hot," they wanted to come, hoping he would choose one of them.
Cinderella's stepsisters made Cinderella brush their hair and put on their makeup, telling her exactly what to do and freaking out when she did something wrong. They had horrible fashion sense, and they just got uglier than they actually were. But Cinderella never said anything.
On the night of the dance, Cinderella didn't have enough time to get ready. She prayed that she could go to the dance. Suddenly, the June 2001 issue of Teh Chum waved it's magic wand and gave her a beautiful dress, and a nice limo so she could go to the dance. She thanked it, and went to the dance. But it warned her that the spell would only last until midnight.
At the dance, Caleb wasn't pleased. Most of the girls were dressed immodestly, and even the ones that were dressed modestly had tattoos, piercings, or dyed hair. Some of them even just plain looked ugly.
Suddenly, he saw Cinderella. Unlike all the other girls, she was dressed modestly, didn't have piercings or tattoos, and was beautiful. So obviously, he danced with her, and only her. They danced until the clock struck twelve. She got into her car and drove all the way back to her house. The bishop's son went looking for her, but all he could find was the tiny CTR ring that she had on her finger (and it wasn't one of those adjustable ones).
He searched all around the kingdom for Cinderella by going up to random people's houses and getting the girls that just might be Cinderella to try on the CTR ring. But everyone had really fat fingers, so it didn't fit.
Meanwhile, Cinderella's stepsisters were talking about how there was a "beautiful princess" at the ball.
Finally, Caleb got to Cinderella's house. Her stepsisters answered the door. Now they had unbelievably fat fingers, so obviously it didn't fit them.
"Are their any other girls in this house?" he asked.
"No!" said the stepsisters.
Just as he was about to walk out the door, he heard Cinderella's voice. He was sure she was the girl he had met at the dance, but he made her try on the ring to see if it fit, which it did. When Cinderella's stepsisters found out that she was the beautiful princess who had been at the ball, they apologized for treating her like crap. She forgave them.
After dating for a couple years, and after each of them went on their missions, Cinderella and Caleb got married in the temple. And they all lived happily ever after.
TEH END

April 2011: Chums by Mail

Teh Chum Helped My Stomach Feel Better!
Once, I had a really bad stomachache. I was throwing up and everything. Then, the October 2004 issue of Teh Chum gave me a magic pill that made me stop throwing up. I'm grateful for Teh Chum!
--Dylan, age 5, New Jersey

Helping My Little Brother
I like to help my little brother. One time, my brother put his toy horse in the toilet and I flushed it. Right now I'm teaching him to burp on purpose.
--Andrew, age 5, California

My Pinewood Derby Car
My brother is in Cub Scouts. This year, I decided to make a car for the Pinewood Derby. Here it is:



--Emily, age 11, Toaster Oven Land

Friday, March 25, 2011

March 2011: Choosing Teh Right

Bad Magazine!
One day, I was riding the bus home from school, when suddenly, a dude came up to me. He was holding a magazine that I knew was bad. It wasn't pornographic, but I had seen it steal something from the grocery store the other day. When the dude tried to get me to look at it, I tore it in half. I felt great inside.
--Emma, age 6, Utah

Teh Inappropriate Movie
The other day, I was watching a movie with my friends, when suddenly, a naked car appeared on the screen. I told my friends that I didn't want to watch it anymore, so they put in a different movie. I felt good inside.
--Victor, age 5, Utah



Swearing is Bad!
Once, this kid in my class wouldn't stop saying *BEEP.* Finally, I told him to stop. He punched me, but I knew I had done the right thing.
--Codee, age 8, Utah

Modesty Rewls!
Last week, my best friend was wearing a skirt that was a tenth of a millimeter too short. I told her to wear leggings under it because it made her look like a *BEEP.* The next time she wore the skirt, she wore leggings under it. I felt good.
--Natalie, age 8, Utah

March 2011: Temples Don't Wear Clothes!!

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Steve. He was a good little boy, but he would not wear clothes. Every day, his mom would run around the house to get him to put on his clothes. When his mom asked him to put on his pants, he'd always say "but Mom, everybody says my body is a temple, and temples don't wear clothes!"


One day, she got tired of making Steve put on his clothes, so she wrote a letter to the guy that was in charge of building temples, telling him to make outfits for the temples so her son would dress modestly. He wrote back saying that it would be too expensive, and that she should teach her kid what the phrase "your body is a temple" really means. When she did, Steve started to wear clothes. His mom was glad, but somewhat disappointed because she wanted to see a temple wearing clothes.
TEH END.