Heaven: How it's portrayed vs. what it should be like

I know that past issues of Teh Chum have been pretty lame. I'm sure you all are getting sick of me only showing letters that children have written in about how they have tried to avoid pornographic photos of umbrellas and cars. In fact, I've been getting tired of that myself, so I asked my subscribers to send in things about how they have obeyed OTHER commandments. So far I haven't have much luck, except for this one letter I got asking about what we look like after we die. That letter reminded me of when I was in Primary. Every Christmas, we would learn some songs and sing in front of the entire church. We had pictures to help us. One such picture was of angels because the song talked about angels, and EVERY SINGLE TIME the song-leader-person showed that picture, she just HAD to give us a lecture about how angels don't really have wings. Not only was it incredibly annoying, but I've always been disappointed about it. I mean, why can't we have wings? What's so offensive about wings? I like wings. I've always wanted to have wings, and now I know I'll never be able to have them. If we get wings, I'd like them to be detachable so it could be easier to change my clothes.



That brings me to my next topic. In all those pictures of angels that you see at church or in those illustrated scriptures or in church magazines or whatever, they're always wearing only white robes. I mean, really. I know clothes aren't everything, but wouldn't that get a little boring?
Another thing is, what do you DO in heaven? Do you just sit there on a cloud, or are there amusement parks? I really hope there's something to do in heaven, because I would get tired of sitting on a cloud all day. If there are amusement parks, I wonder what they'd be like. They'd probably be just like the amusement parks here, only they'd make you wear modest clothing (gosh, you don't want to hear about all the inappropriate clothing that I've seen people wear at amusement parks...) and use appropriate language and stuff like that. Although if you take those paintings of heaven literally, there would probably be clouds instead of regular water if it was a water park. But clouds ARE water, right? So it would still be a water park. What I'm more curious about is the "water" parks in hell. Instead of water, they'd probably have fire. And they'd make you go naked. Or wear flammable clothing. Either one, depending on how bad you were.



(By the way, that stuff in the pool is supposed to be fire. I know I did a terrible job, but whatever.)

What do YOU wish heaven would be like? Tell me in your comments!

How We Read Teh Chum

(Sorry I haven't posted in a long time; I was on vacation!)

In recent issues of The Friend, kids have been posting pictures of how they read The Friend. So we had readers send in pictures of how they read Teh Chum (not really). It was hard to pick a winner, but we finally decided on this:

June 2011: Choosing Teh Right

Love Your Enemies
Once, an evil murderer killed everyone. I knew I should be kind to my enemies, so I baked him a cake. Then he killed me. I felt great in-- WAIT! I'm DEAD!! I'm supposed to be in heaven! Bye!
--Tanya, age 11, New Jersey

Teh Super Long Prayer
After reading the Book Of Mormon with my family, I was asked to say a prayer. So I prayed for a long time. In fact, I am still praying right now (I'm a very good multi-tasker).
--Viktoria, age 6, Utah

Teh Modesty Dilemma
I went to to the zoo, and all the animals were naked. I left immediately and went to my friend's house to play video games, but then I realized that the guns were naked, so I went home and sat on the couch. But then I realized that the COUCH was naked, so I put clothes on the couch. I felt good inside.
--Gerald, age 5, Florida


Teh Bad Website
One day, I went to this website that my friend told me about. The moment I got there, I got this sick feeling, not because it was a porn site, but because there were photos of people stealing stuff and smoking. I turned off the computer. I felt great inside.
--Jordan, age 9,

June 2011: Movie Review

Last week, I saw this epic movie called The Potato Who Didn't Fit In. The protagonist a potato named Pauline who has different standards from the other potatoes. Her family tells her not to be embarrassed about her moral values, but she is highly considering lowering her standards. One day, someone captures her worst enemies to make them into a potato salad, so Pauline must make a decision between showing compassion and mercy to her enemies, or letting them get what they deserve.

This is a very deep, emotional movie full of laughter, tears, and soggy Kleenex, but it's nowhere near as good as, say, Corpse Bride.
Rating: G (they were going to rate it R for nudity and swearing, but the people who made the movie decided to censor the swearing and naked potatoes)

May 2011: Choosing Teh Right

Teh Umbrella Academy (Porno)Graphic Novel

Once, my friend asked me if I wanted to read The Umbrella Academy. I told him no because umbrellas don't wear clothes. I felt good inside.

--Jason, age 11, California



Bad Movie About Corpses
When I was at my best friend's birthday party, she wanted to watch Corpse Bride. I told her no, because there was drinking, smoking, and naked skeletons. She suggested watching Dora The Explorer instead. I hated the show, but I felt great inside.
--Vicky, age 6, Georgia.

Bad My Chemical Romance Music Video
The other day, my friend asked me if I wanted to see the music video for "Sing." I said sure, because I had heard the song on the radio and thought it was catchy. But halfway through the video, I had to tell her to turn it off because the guns didn't wear clothes. She suggested watching the music video for "Baby." I said okay. I hated the music video, but I was glad I chose the right.
--Ashlee, age 9, Utah

May 2011: List of Twilight Characters

Bella Swan is a necrophile. She is in love with a sparkly vampire named Edward Cullen. She is extremely weak and shallow, and all she cares about is Edward. Edward, you're so beautiful. Edward, you're so perfect. Edward, you're so awesome. Edward this, Edward that. Edward Edward Edward.

Edward Cullen is a vampire. He enjoys stalking Bella and showing off his sparkly skin. Every night he watches Bella while she sleeps. His biggest pet peeve is when Bella actually comes to her senses and does her own thing. Of course, that is very rare, and very rarely happens.

Jacob Black is a werewolf. He likes showing off his muscles and taking off his shirt when there's a full moon.

Rosalie Hale is a shallow *BEEP* who hates everyone and everything, except for Emmett.

Emmett Cullen likes sports and is obsessed with ESPN.

Jasper Hale is a "vegetarian vampire," but would rather drink human blood. The only reason he is a "vegetarian" is because of Alice.

Alice Cullen is the only character in Twilight who actually makes sense. She is very optimistic, sweet, and bubbly. She can see the future. She is Bella Swan's BFF.

UPDATE: The Waffle is Bella's new boyfriend. Unlike Edward, he's not controlling or abusive.

(If I forgot any important characters, tell me, okay?)

May 2011: Chums by Mail

Likening Teh Scriptures
Once I burned my house down and we had to stay in tents. I apologized, but it was okay because it was like Nephi and his family in the wilderness.
--Caleb, age 9, Georgia

Me Marrying Teh Chum in teh Temple


--Emily, age 7, Idaho

BYU is teh Epics
I'm going to BYU for college. It's the only good college out there. If you go to any other college you'll go to hell.
--Jordan, age 5, Utah

Multiple Piercings are for Chumps!
My goth friend told me she was going to get her ear cartilage and eyebrow pierced, so I told her that piercings are evil.
--Vicky, 3, California