How does your father protect your family?

"By slaying fire-breathing dragons that try to bring pornography into the home." --Daniel, age 8, New York

"By putting the toilet seat down." --Jeanette, age 5, Florida

"By passing gas in criminals' faces." --Bernard, age 3, Delaware

"By fighting against sexist stereotypes like this one." --Sabrina, age 9, California

An extra verse to The Family is of God

A brother's purpose is to poke, provoke,
and be obnoxious to his other siblings.
A sister's place is to annoy the boys,
and ignore everyone in the family.

Extra verses to "Follow the Prophet"

Balaam was a prophet, not of Israel.
Balak called him up to curse them all to hell.
When he tried to curse them, his words would not pass.
Then the Lord rebuked him with a talking ass.
Don't follow Balaam, follow his donkey.
Follow his donkey, Balaam was the real ass.
Don't follow Balaam, follow his donkey.
Follow his donkey, Balaam was an ass.

Ezra ain't no prophet, he was just a guy.
Don't follow his teachings 'cause they don't apply.
He told all the men to leave their foreign wives,
abandon all their children, and ruined all their lives.
Don't follow Ezra, don't follow Ezra.
He ain't no prophet, he's just a guy.
Don't follow Ezra, don't follow Ezra.
He ain't no prophet, he's just a guy.

Jonah was a prophet, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh!
He never really got it, it is sad but true.
He didn't follow God, so he was eaten by a whale.
He didn't forgive the Ninevites, which was an epic fail.
Swallow the prophet, swallow the prophet,
swallow the prophet, if you're a whale.
Swallow the prophet, swallow the prophet,
swallow the prophet, if you're a whale.

Rebels in Utah

Rebels in Utah

Our Creative Chums

Joe, age 3, Utah

Leo, age 7, Oregon

Jennifer, age 3, Idaho

Choosing teh Right

"I saw an inappropriate picture, so I wrote a letter to the president telling him to repeal the First Amendment. I felt good inside." --Leopold, age 6, New Jersey

"I saw a lady wearing a tank top, so I did exactly what Lexi did in the January 2011 issue of Teh Chum. My mom later told me that Lexi didn't actually call her a "beep," but it's the thought that counts, so I felt good inside." --Daniel, age 8, Utah

"I was hanging out with a friend and she wanted to watch My Little Pony. I felt uncomfortable because ponies don't wear clothes, so I killed her. I felt good inside." --Leah, age 5, Oregon

"My friend and I found two pairs of stilts and some ID cards. She wanted to use them so she could sneak into a casino. So I turned her into the police. I lost a friend, but I felt great inside!" --Johnny, age 3, Nevada

Choosing Teh Right

"Once, my friend showed me something on the internet that had a curse word in it. So I repented for reading it. I felt good inside." --John, age 10, Idaho

"My goth friend told me that she was obsessed with The Cure. I had a bad feeling inside because they had an entire album about pornography. When she tried to force me to listen to them, I told her that Robert Smith is evil. I felt good inside." --Lila, age 5, California

"My friend wanted to join the Tea Party. I told her it was against the Word of Wisdom, and I punched her. I felt good inside." --Samantha, age 3, Utah

Questions and answers

Question: Is it okay to watch The Aquabats? Some of the guest stars (i.e. the Way brothers) cuss and do other bad things. But Christian Jacobs is a Mormon, so it must be an okay show, right?
Answer: No! Christian Jacobs should be excommunicated from the church for associating with wicked people like the Way brothers.

Question: A lot of people at my church listen to The Cure, but they have a song about pornography. Are the people at my church evil?
Answer: Yes. They should repent for listening to such evil music.

Question: Is smoking breaking the fast?
Answer: Regardless, smoking is wrong.