Heaven: How it's portrayed vs. what it should be like

I know that past issues of Teh Chum have been pretty lame. I'm sure you all are getting sick of me only showing letters that children have written in about how they have tried to avoid pornographic photos of umbrellas and cars. In fact, I've been getting tired of that myself, so I asked my subscribers to send in things about how they have obeyed OTHER commandments. So far I haven't have much luck, except for this one letter I got asking about what we look like after we die. That letter reminded me of when I was in Primary. Every Christmas, we would learn some songs and sing in front of the entire church. We had pictures to help us. One such picture was of angels because the song talked about angels, and EVERY SINGLE TIME the song-leader-person showed that picture, she just HAD to give us a lecture about how angels don't really have wings. Not only was it incredibly annoying, but I've always been disappointed about it. I mean, why can't we have wings? What's so offensive about wings? I like wings. I've always wanted to have wings, and now I know I'll never be able to have them. If we get wings, I'd like them to be detachable so it could be easier to change my clothes.



That brings me to my next topic. In all those pictures of angels that you see at church or in those illustrated scriptures or in church magazines or whatever, they're always wearing only white robes. I mean, really. I know clothes aren't everything, but wouldn't that get a little boring?
Another thing is, what do you DO in heaven? Do you just sit there on a cloud, or are there amusement parks? I really hope there's something to do in heaven, because I would get tired of sitting on a cloud all day. If there are amusement parks, I wonder what they'd be like. They'd probably be just like the amusement parks here, only they'd make you wear modest clothing (gosh, you don't want to hear about all the inappropriate clothing that I've seen people wear at amusement parks...) and use appropriate language and stuff like that. Although if you take those paintings of heaven literally, there would probably be clouds instead of regular water if it was a water park. But clouds ARE water, right? So it would still be a water park. What I'm more curious about is the "water" parks in hell. Instead of water, they'd probably have fire. And they'd make you go naked. Or wear flammable clothing. Either one, depending on how bad you were.



(By the way, that stuff in the pool is supposed to be fire. I know I did a terrible job, but whatever.)

What do YOU wish heaven would be like? Tell me in your comments!

How We Read Teh Chum

(Sorry I haven't posted in a long time; I was on vacation!)

In recent issues of The Friend, kids have been posting pictures of how they read The Friend. So we had readers send in pictures of how they read Teh Chum (not really). It was hard to pick a winner, but we finally decided on this:

June 2011: Choosing Teh Right

Love Your Enemies
Once, an evil murderer killed everyone. I knew I should be kind to my enemies, so I baked him a cake. Then he killed me. I felt great in-- WAIT! I'm DEAD!! I'm supposed to be in heaven! Bye!
--Tanya, age 11, New Jersey

Teh Super Long Prayer
After reading the Book Of Mormon with my family, I was asked to say a prayer. So I prayed for a long time. In fact, I am still praying right now (I'm a very good multi-tasker).
--Viktoria, age 6, Utah

Teh Modesty Dilemma
I went to to the zoo, and all the animals were naked. I left immediately and went to my friend's house to play video games, but then I realized that the guns were naked, so I went home and sat on the couch. But then I realized that the COUCH was naked, so I put clothes on the couch. I felt good inside.
--Gerald, age 5, Florida


Teh Bad Website
One day, I went to this website that my friend told me about. The moment I got there, I got this sick feeling, not because it was a porn site, but because there were photos of people stealing stuff and smoking. I turned off the computer. I felt great inside.
--Jordan, age 9,

June 2011: Movie Review

Last week, I saw this epic movie called The Potato Who Didn't Fit In. The protagonist a potato named Pauline who has different standards from the other potatoes. Her family tells her not to be embarrassed about her moral values, but she is highly considering lowering her standards. One day, someone captures her worst enemies to make them into a potato salad, so Pauline must make a decision between showing compassion and mercy to her enemies, or letting them get what they deserve.

This is a very deep, emotional movie full of laughter, tears, and soggy Kleenex, but it's nowhere near as good as, say, Corpse Bride.
Rating: G (they were going to rate it R for nudity and swearing, but the people who made the movie decided to censor the swearing and naked potatoes)

May 2011: Choosing Teh Right

Teh Umbrella Academy (Porno)Graphic Novel

Once, my friend asked me if I wanted to read The Umbrella Academy. I told him no because umbrellas don't wear clothes. I felt good inside.

--Jason, age 11, California



Bad Movie About Corpses
When I was at my best friend's birthday party, she wanted to watch Corpse Bride. I told her no, because there was drinking, smoking, and naked skeletons. She suggested watching Dora The Explorer instead. I hated the show, but I felt great inside.
--Vicky, age 6, Georgia.

Bad My Chemical Romance Music Video
The other day, my friend asked me if I wanted to see the music video for "Sing." I said sure, because I had heard the song on the radio and thought it was catchy. But halfway through the video, I had to tell her to turn it off because the guns didn't wear clothes. She suggested watching the music video for "Baby." I said okay. I hated the music video, but I was glad I chose the right.
--Ashlee, age 9, Utah

May 2011: List of Twilight Characters

Bella Swan is a necrophile. She is in love with a sparkly vampire named Edward Cullen. She is extremely weak and shallow, and all she cares about is Edward. Edward, you're so beautiful. Edward, you're so perfect. Edward, you're so awesome. Edward this, Edward that. Edward Edward Edward.

Edward Cullen is a vampire. He enjoys stalking Bella and showing off his sparkly skin. Every night he watches Bella while she sleeps. His biggest pet peeve is when Bella actually comes to her senses and does her own thing. Of course, that is very rare, and very rarely happens.

Jacob Black is a werewolf. He likes showing off his muscles and taking off his shirt when there's a full moon.

Rosalie Hale is a shallow *BEEP* who hates everyone and everything, except for Emmett.

Emmett Cullen likes sports and is obsessed with ESPN.

Jasper Hale is a "vegetarian vampire," but would rather drink human blood. The only reason he is a "vegetarian" is because of Alice.

Alice Cullen is the only character in Twilight who actually makes sense. She is very optimistic, sweet, and bubbly. She can see the future. She is Bella Swan's BFF.

UPDATE: The Waffle is Bella's new boyfriend. Unlike Edward, he's not controlling or abusive.

(If I forgot any important characters, tell me, okay?)

May 2011: Chums by Mail

Likening Teh Scriptures
Once I burned my house down and we had to stay in tents. I apologized, but it was okay because it was like Nephi and his family in the wilderness.
--Caleb, age 9, Georgia

Me Marrying Teh Chum in teh Temple


--Emily, age 7, Idaho

BYU is teh Epics
I'm going to BYU for college. It's the only good college out there. If you go to any other college you'll go to hell.
--Jordan, age 5, Utah

Multiple Piercings are for Chumps!
My goth friend told me she was going to get her ear cartilage and eyebrow pierced, so I told her that piercings are evil.
--Vicky, 3, California

April 2011: What they DIDN'T talk about during General Conference

Usually, during general conference, I only really pay attention to a few of the talks. What? Sometimes they're boring! Though not all of them are. Just most of them. But anyway, to make sure I would pay attention in General Conference this time, I made a list of random things. Whatever they did talk about (keep in mind, when I say "talk about," what I usually actually mean is "mention it." Also, I didn't get to see all of General Conference, so tell me to delete things on the list of "Things They Didn't Talk About," just in case someone did mention that), I would cross it out. After that, I would look at all the things that weren't crossed out, and there would be my list of things they didn't talk about.

Here are the random things I jotted down:
Temples
Kindness
Honesty
Virtue
Pernogrify (for reference: http://www.myregisblog.com/2008/10/lol-cats-general-conference.html)
Teh Law of Chastity
Eternal Families
Piercings, tattoos, and how HORRIBLE AND EVIL they are
Joseph Smith
The Book Of Mormon
Jesus
Swearing
R-rated movies
Crap music
My Chemical Romance
Corpse Bride
Tokio Hotel
Epicness
The Jonas Brothers' music is crap
Justin Bieber sucks
Ke$ha needs to die
Flippin' stoopid gender roles
Teh priesthood
Twilight
Modesty
Faith
Service
Tithing
Fasting
Missionaries
The Bible
Purity
The Sabbath Day
Ten Commandments
Perfection
Teh sacrament
Prayer
Forgiveness/repentance
How bad teh world is today
Tutus (you know... the prophet always tells us to "avoid those foul tutus." Tutus are highly inappropriate and you must avoid them at all costs. Especially when it's Bill Kaulitz wearing a tutu)
Tithing
Children
Testimony
Obedience

What they did NOT talk about:
Honesty
Virtue
Chastity
Pernogrify
Piercings/tattoos (that really surprised me that they DIDN'T talk about that. Same with pernogrify)
Swearing
R-rated movies
Crap music
Corpse Bride
Tokio Hotel
Epicness
The Jonas Brothers' music is crap
Justin Bieber sucks
Ke$ha needs to die
Twilight
Modesty
The Ten Commandments
Tutus

For those of you who read this post thoroughly and made sure I didn't forget anything, you may be wondering why I didn't mention My Chemical Romance on the list of things they didn't talk about during general conference. I meant to leave it out, because they did talk about MCR (which really surprised me). Still confused? Didn't you pay attention when President Monson (I think) said something about a guy named Gerard?? So he must have been talking about MCR, right?? RIGHT??? If Gerard = Gerard Way, and Gerard Way = Teh lead singer of MCR, then Gerard = Teh lead singer of MCR. So they DID talk about MCR!!!
Just kidding. I'm smart enough to know that just because someone's name is Gerard, that does not mean he's automatically teh lead singer of MCR. But that IS the first thing that pops into my mind when I hear that name, just so you're aware. So if you ever happen to say "Gerard" around me, tell me which Gerard you're talking about, or else I'll be thinking you were talking about Gerard Way and I'll be really confused. Thank you.

April 2011: Choosing Teh Right

Keeping teh Sabbath day holy
One Sunday, my house caught on fire. I was scared, because I wanted to call 911, but I knew I should keep the Sabbath day holy. So I didn't call 911. Luckily, the April 2005 issue of Teh Chum saved me, so I'm not dead. I was glad I kept the Sabbath Day holy.
--Billy, age 7, California

Obeying teh Word Of Wisdom
I was at my friend's birthday party, and someone offered me root beer. I told her no, because I don't drink. I was glad I obeyed the Word of Wisdom.
--Emilee, age 8, Utah

Teh Bat Man Film
Once, my babysitter put on Batman. I knew that show was bad because bats don't wear clothes. I turned it off, and I told my babysitter that if she put it back on, I'd tell my parents not to pay her. I knew I had done the right thing.
--Johnny, age 6, Alabama

Teh Little Mermaid
My my friends and I had a sleepover. My friend's mom put on The Little Mermaid. I said, "no, The Little Mermaid is bad because Ariel only wears a bikini top and doesn't wear pants." She said "okay, how 'bout Camp Rock?" I agreed. I hated the movie while I was watching it, but I knew I had done the right thing.
--Elizabeth, age 10, Canada



Teh Selena Gomez Par-TAY!
My friends wanted me to go over to their Selena Gomez-themed party. I told her no, because on Wizards of Waverly Place, she's mean. I said "how 'bout we change it to a Justin Bieber-themed party?" We all hated the party, but I knew I had done the right thing.
--Jenny, age 10, Nebraska

* No, I actually don't watch Wizards of Waverly Place. One of my friends suggested I should write about it, so I did. I felt good that I chose to listen to my friend.

April 2011: A Retelling of Cinderella

Once upon a time, there was a sixteen-year-old girl named Cinderella. She loved going to church, and obeyed all the commandments. She dressed modestly, obeyed the Word Of Wisdom, had clean language, and prayed every night. She was always kind to everyone. Her favorite books were Twilight and The Book Of Mormon. Despite being a good person, she was in a not-so-good situation. She lived with her wicked stepmother and ugly stepsisters who made her do all the work. Every day it was the same. "Cinderella, clean my room," "Cinderella, mop the floor," "Cinderella, unclog the toilet," "Cinderella, take that dog for a walk and pick up the dog poop." But she never complained. She loved her stepsisters, and prayed for them.



One day, a letter arrived in the mail. It was an invitation to a church dance, and the bishop's son, who was named Caleb, would be there. Because Cinderella's wicked stepsisters thought the bishop's son was "sooooooooo hot," they wanted to come, hoping he would choose one of them.
Cinderella's stepsisters made Cinderella brush their hair and put on their makeup, telling her exactly what to do and freaking out when she did something wrong. They had horrible fashion sense, and they just got uglier than they actually were. But Cinderella never said anything.
On the night of the dance, Cinderella didn't have enough time to get ready. She prayed that she could go to the dance. Suddenly, the June 2001 issue of Teh Chum waved it's magic wand and gave her a beautiful dress, and a nice limo so she could go to the dance. She thanked it, and went to the dance. But it warned her that the spell would only last until midnight.
At the dance, Caleb wasn't pleased. Most of the girls were dressed immodestly, and even the ones that were dressed modestly had tattoos, piercings, or dyed hair. Some of them even just plain looked ugly.
Suddenly, he saw Cinderella. Unlike all the other girls, she was dressed modestly, didn't have piercings or tattoos, and was beautiful. So obviously, he danced with her, and only her. They danced until the clock struck twelve. She got into her car and drove all the way back to her house. The bishop's son went looking for her, but all he could find was the tiny CTR ring that she had on her finger (and it wasn't one of those adjustable ones).
He searched all around the kingdom for Cinderella by going up to random people's houses and getting the girls that just might be Cinderella to try on the CTR ring. But everyone had really fat fingers, so it didn't fit.
Meanwhile, Cinderella's stepsisters were talking about how there was a "beautiful princess" at the ball.
Finally, Caleb got to Cinderella's house. Her stepsisters answered the door. Now they had unbelievably fat fingers, so obviously it didn't fit them.
"Are their any other girls in this house?" he asked.
"No!" said the stepsisters.
Just as he was about to walk out the door, he heard Cinderella's voice. He was sure she was the girl he had met at the dance, but he made her try on the ring to see if it fit, which it did. When Cinderella's stepsisters found out that she was the beautiful princess who had been at the ball, they apologized for treating her like crap. She forgave them.
After dating for a couple years, and after each of them went on their missions, Cinderella and Caleb got married in the temple. And they all lived happily ever after.
TEH END

April 2011: Chums by Mail

Teh Chum Helped My Stomach Feel Better!
Once, I had a really bad stomachache. I was throwing up and everything. Then, the October 2004 issue of Teh Chum gave me a magic pill that made me stop throwing up. I'm grateful for Teh Chum!
--Dylan, age 5, New Jersey

Helping My Little Brother
I like to help my little brother. One time, my brother put his toy horse in the toilet and I flushed it. Right now I'm teaching him to burp on purpose.
--Andrew, age 5, California

My Pinewood Derby Car
My brother is in Cub Scouts. This year, I decided to make a car for the Pinewood Derby. Here it is:



--Emily, age 11, Toaster Oven Land

March 2011: Choosing Teh Right

Bad Magazine!
One day, I was riding the bus home from school, when suddenly, a dude came up to me. He was holding a magazine that I knew was bad. It wasn't pornographic, but I had seen it steal something from the grocery store the other day. When the dude tried to get me to look at it, I tore it in half. I felt great inside.
--Emma, age 6, Utah

Teh Inappropriate Movie
The other day, I was watching a movie with my friends, when suddenly, a naked car appeared on the screen. I told my friends that I didn't want to watch it anymore, so they put in a different movie. I felt good inside.
--Victor, age 5, Utah



Swearing is Bad!
Once, this kid in my class wouldn't stop saying *BEEP.* Finally, I told him to stop. He punched me, but I knew I had done the right thing.
--Codee, age 8, Utah

Modesty Rewls!
Last week, my best friend was wearing a skirt that was a tenth of a millimeter too short. I told her to wear leggings under it because it made her look like a *BEEP.* The next time she wore the skirt, she wore leggings under it. I felt good.
--Natalie, age 8, Utah

March 2011: Temples Don't Wear Clothes!!

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Steve. He was a good little boy, but he would not wear clothes. Every day, his mom would run around the house to get him to put on his clothes. When his mom asked him to put on his pants, he'd always say "but Mom, everybody says my body is a temple, and temples don't wear clothes!"


One day, she got tired of making Steve put on his clothes, so she wrote a letter to the guy that was in charge of building temples, telling him to make outfits for the temples so her son would dress modestly. He wrote back saying that it would be too expensive, and that she should teach her kid what the phrase "your body is a temple" really means. When she did, Steve started to wear clothes. His mom was glad, but somewhat disappointed because she wanted to see a temple wearing clothes.
TEH END.

March 2011: Chums by Mail

The Book Of Mormon Rules!
I love The Book Of Mormon. I want to marry it in the temple someday.
--Emilee, age 7, Utah

A Story in Teh Chum Inspired Me!
I found Teh Valentine very inspiring! From now on, I will not fight my enemy, even though he sliced my arm off the other day.
--Johnny, age 6, Utah

Love Note
I love Teh Chum!! I want to marry it in the temple when I grow up.
--Vicky, age 4, Utah

February 2011: Choosing Teh Right

Turning teh Other Cheek (Literally)
Once, a kid that goes to my school slapped me in the face. I remembered that my Primary teacher told me I should "turn the other cheek" when people bully me, so I did. My cheeks were sore, but I felt great inside!
--Aaron, age 8, Utah



Early Dating is for Chumps!
Recently, a boy asked me out on a date. I said no, because I'm not allowed to date until I'm 16. I felt good.
--Emma, age 12, Utah

My Body is a Temple
Lots of kids at my school draw on themselves, which drives me insane. I always tell them that they shouldn't draw on themselves, because their bodies are temples, and temples don't draw on themselves. Also, I wrote a letter to Gerard Way telling him to stop drawing on himself.
--Hanna, age 9, Utah

February 2011: Teh Valentine

"If you don't stop this," I said to Amanda, the school bully. "I'll tell the teacher."
"Yeah, just what is she gonna do about it?" she sneered. "I'll still beat you up after school." With that, she took off her sword and cut my arm off. I was immediately rushed to the hospital, where they gave me a robot arm.



A few days later, at church, we learned about loving our enemies. I thought about what had happened the other day. Valentine's Day was coming up, so I decided to make a Valentine for Amanda.
On Valentine's Day, I gave Amanda the card. She still beat me up, but that didn't stop me from doing nice things for her, even when she killed me. Wait! Why am I even writing this?? I'm dead! I should be in my coffin! Bye!
Teh End

February 2011: Chums by Mail

Teh Chum Saved Me!
Once, I was playing in the street, when I saw a car coming. I just stood there, waiting for Edward Cullen to save me. But instead, Teh Chum saved me! I'm grateful for Teh Chum!
--Sara, age 9, Utah

Edward Cullen
I love Edward!!! He's so hot!!
--Madison, age 10, Utah

Good Media
I will only read books written by Mormons. I will only watch movies made by Mormons. And I will only listen to music composed by Mormons. All other media is crap.
--Megan, age 6, Utah

I Love Teh Chum!
I love Teh Chum! It's really great. I hope I can marry it in the temple someday.
--Jacob, age 5, Utah

January 2011: Interviewing Emma, age 11, Utah

Interviewer: "What's your favorite book?"
Emma: "The Book Of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants, and Twilight."
I: "What's your favorite movie?"
E: "Easter Dream, The Other Side Of Heaven, and Twilight."
I: "Are you on Team Edward of Team Jacob?"
E: "Definitely Team Edward! He's so romantic! I want to have a vampire boyfriend that watches me while I sleep!"
I: "What's your favorite song?"
E: "I Am a Child Of God."
I: "Who'd your favorite Book Of Mormon character?"
E: "Nephi."
I: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
E: "A wife and a mother."
I: "Okay, bye!"
E: "Bye!"

January 2011: Choosing Teh Right

Thoughts
A few months ago, a new girl came to my school. She was wearing this dress that I thought was ugly. So I apologized to her for thinking that. I felt good.
--Alyssa, age 8, Arizona



Bad TV Show
Once, I was watching TV, and I came across a show that I knew was bad because the monkey didn't wear pants. I turned it off. I knew I had done the right thing.
--Dylan, age 3, New York

Dressing Modestly
Once, I was in the car with my mom, and I saw a woman wearing a tank top. So we pulled over and told her that it made her look like a *BEEP.* I felt good inside.
--Lexi, age 10, Virginia



Tea is Gross!
Once, I went to a party, and they were serving tea. I told them that tea is gross and that people who drink it are totally evil.
--Natalie, age 7, Ohio

Bad Movie
My friend and I were having a sleepover, and she wanted to watch Cinderella. I told her no, because I knew the mice didn't wear pants. I felt good inside.
--Claire, age 6, Florida

My Chemical Romance Music Video
My Goth friend, Eliza, wanted to show me My Chemical Romance's music video for "Helena." I chose not to watch it because my big brother had seen it before and told me there were a bunch of naked umbrellas in it. I felt good for choosing not to watch it.
--Hannah age 9, Idaho

Piercings are Evil!
I was walking around my neighborhood, when I bumped into a woman with spiky hair, and she had her eyebrow pierced. I told her that eyebrow piercings are evil. I felt good inside.
--Ryan, age 4, Germany

A picture of the "woman" Ryan bumped into:

January 2011: Chums in teh News

Justin, age 7, Oregon likes chicken. His favorite book is The Book Of Mormon. He wants to marry his church building.

Madeline, age 11, Georgia loves The Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana, and Twilight. She has an insane crush on Edward Cullen and wants to marry him in the temple someday.

Bella, age 17, Washington has necrophilia. She has an insane crush on a vampire named Edward Cullen.

Edward, age 17, Washington is a vampire. He likes stalking Bella and showing off his sparkly skin. His favorite food is animal blood.

Jacob, age 16, Washington is a werewolf. He likes taking off his shirt whenever there's a full moon outside.

Sarah, 9, California loves church and wants to marry it. Her favorite song is "Home." Her favorite books are Twilight and The Book Of Mormon.

January 2011: Cory and teh BAD WORDS

"*BEEP*!" said Cory after he came home from school.
"Cory!" scolded his mother. "Where the *BEEP* did you hear that word?"
"Uh, at school. I also learned *BEEP*, *BEEP*, and *BEEP*!"
"Well, please stop saying *BEEP*!"
"Okay, Mom. I promise I'll never say *BEEP* ever again."
"Cory!"



On Sunday...
"*BEEP*!" yelled Cory in the middle of church.
"Cory! How many times do I have to tell you, don't say *BEEP*! Now go up to the microphone and apologize!" So that's what Cory did.
"Hello. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Cory, and I'm going to apologize for saying *BEEP*." Then another person got up to give a talk.
"I used to say *BEEP* all the time," he said. "But I stopped, and instead of saying *BEEP*, I started saying 'fiddle dee dee with a plastic spoon.'"
"Thank you Cory," said the bishop. "Now we all know not to say *BEEP*. We will now conclude this meeting by singing 'Love At Home."
"Oh, *BEEP*," said Cory. "I hate that *BEEP* song! Everyone sings it so *BEEP* slowly!"
"Cory!"

TEH END

January 2011: Chums by Mail

I Love Church
I love church. It's my favorite thing in the whole world. I was sad when I found out it was illegal to marry a building. When I turn 18, I will be old enough to vote, and hopefully, I will be able to marry my church building.
--Jason, 5, Washington

Utah is Awesome
Utah is so friking awesome!! I'm going to BYU for college, and I hope you do too. If not, you're going to hell. BYU is the only good college.
--Emma, 7, Utah

Teh Chum Saved My Life!!
A year or so ago, I was stuck in a burning building. Just as I thought I was going to die, the April 2009 issue of Teh Chum flew into the room and carried me safely out of the building. I'm grateful for Teh Chum.
--Lauren, 8, Utah